


The Penguin and The Riddler Have Boring Conversations All Day

by minteafresha



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 22:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12220053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minteafresha/pseuds/minteafresha
Summary: A normal Tuesday for the old married couple, Oswald and Edward Nygma-Cobblepot. Lunch on the terrace, an evening at the Iceberg Lounge, and a data heist. There is a brief mention of alcohol.





	The Penguin and The Riddler Have Boring Conversations All Day

It was 10:23 am, which was about the time to feed the flamingos and pigeons. Their owner, Oswald Cobblepot, was not home due to brunch plans with his marketing staff. The staff making the meeting a brunch may have been overdoing it, but Oswald hired them because they were the most cunning and intuitive. The cheerfulness was just part of their high regard for team-building. The person who _was_ home was Edward Nygma, his husband. Both Oswald and Edward had been Gotham supervillains, The Penguin and The Riddler respectively, since they were young, and had known each other for that long.

Today, they woke up at the same time, to Oswald’s alarm. Eddie did not have much to do that day, but felt it was appropriate to stay up when Oswald was up. Although Oswald had a meeting, the two of them had enough time together to get up and have coffee and muffins while they read the newspaper together. They sat next to each other in the parlor and picked and prodded at the words, ridiculing the ignorance of common people and shaking their heads at the tragic world events. When it was time for Oswald to go, he was a little hard to pry away.

He wrapped his arm around his partner’s and leaned into it. “Shelly… Miss Shelly Vandergarde? She said she would bring a homemade pie, she’s the worst.”

Edward flashed a small smile. “Miss Vandergarde sounds sweet.”

“She is irritating! An itch on your tongue. She’s smart, but she draws the meetings out and is slow to shoot down ideas. I try to tell her to keep things simple, but she says, ‘Not everything is simple Mr. Cobblepot!’ Shut up, woman.”

Edward laughed. Oswald shot him a grimace and said, “I know, I sound like grouser, but she is the worst and I don’t want to go!”

“I’m not telling you that you can’t complain; all I want is for you to get your butt down to Ri-Ri Café and get it over with!” Edward unwrapped Oswald’s arm from his own and held onto his hand. “It’s not gonna kill you, Ozzie, but if anything is, I’m gonna come and help you fight whatever it is off!”

At this, old Ozzie dipped his chin. “Alright alright… Rhine has good food anyway.”

“Ha-ha!” Edward rubbed Oswald’s back vigorously. “There you go! Get out of here and I don’t want to see you dragging your feet.”

They walked to the door together, Edward still in pajama pants and robe. They kissed in the doorway and Oswald was off to the races. Or rather, to his black business coupe to go argue with Shelly Vandergarde. 

 

* * *

 

By 11 am, Edward was wearing a souvenir shirt from the aquarium and sturdy work pants, and he was making his way to the pond in the garden. That’s where the flamingos usually gathered. It was usually the help’s job to feed and clean up after the birds, but having Edward feed the birds was good for setting aside the time to bond with them a little. And today, he had plenty of time.

With one hand lifting the bag of flamingo feed, he walked over to the nearest flamingo (Vivian) and reached into the bag. He started throwing the food pellets out. He asked Vivian, “I fall over, but I am still fantastic. I can fit in your hand but I cannot be carried. What am I?” The Riddler grabbed some more feed and held out his hand to Vivian. “No, Viv? Not even going to try?”

Vivian took some food pellets from Ed’s hand and dipped their head back in the water. Edward edged around the pond a little way from Vivian and threw the rest of the feed that was in his hand. “How about you folks, what do you think it is.”

One of the other flamingos walked closer to Edward. It explored Ed’s empty palm and then retracted. Edward put his hand into the bag and paused for a while like that, watching the birds stand and dip their heads and strut. He sighed and squinted into the direction of the sun. He looked away, his face softening at the sight of the garden. Once The Riddler was satisfied that the flamingos had eaten enough, he started back to the house.

After he put away the flamingo feed and washed his hands, he went upstairs so he could tidy himself up. The glitzy answering machine built into the wall in Edward’s office was blinking to announce new messages. He pressed play. The first message was some distant friend asking for money. The second was Oswald. The automated timestamp made way for his rough voice.

 

_Tuesday, March 9, 10:47 am._

  _Hey, Edward, I’m done with the meeting. Didn’t go so bad. Vandergarde didn’t even lead this time, it was Ted Grimm. I’m on my way home… I picked up some uhhh éclairs? I don’t remember if you like those. Maybe that was cannolis. Well, anyway, I love you, and I’m on my way._

 

Edward rushed to the window and peered out eagerly, biting his tongue. Sure as the shadow under Ed’s feet, Penguin’s coupe soon came turning into the long driveway below.

The Penguin reached the garage and stopped. He waddled cautiously out of the car, and then swiftly smacked the door shut. With a rectangular white box in one hand, he removed his top hat with the other as he entered the house.

Edward could hear Oswald’s voice echo around the high ceiling of the central hallway. “Eddie, my dear kingfisher! Where are you?”

Edward rushed to his closet frantically. He called out, “Ah, just putting on something nice! I didn’t get your message until now.” He combed through the hangers. Which shirt, which coat!

“Alright, I’m coming up.” Oswald hefted the hat and box precariously as he went up the stairs.

Ozzie’s footsteps thudding on the marble steps were like a ticking bomb for Edward. He had taken off the aquarium shirt and was quickly switching into mint slacks. Edward was fumbling with the buttons of his lavender shirt when Oswald appeared in the bedroom and caught him in the middle of a fashion frenzy.

Oswald dropped his hat. “By Falcon Scott’s mittens, you’re a sight!!!”

The Riddler’s hands lowered to grip the hem of his shirt, and he chuckled sheepishly. “Welcome home, peppermint drop.”

Oswald sighed and set the éclairs in an empty shelf, save for a framed photo of him at SeaWorld- while stealing an orca. The box knocked the picture over.

He moved toward Edward, who started moving toward Oswald too. Oswald reached for the purple buttons and did them properly, and slowly. Ed’s breathing slowed, and he found himself with his hands placed under Oswald’s forearms; he didn’t want to be tugging at his shirt forever. Brought back from the clouds, Edward said, “When I fall over... I am still fantastic. I can fit in your hand but I cannot be carried. What am I?”

Oswald fixed Edward’s collar and then withdrew to tap his chin. “Hmmm… air.”

The Riddler smiled. “Ah ah, nope.”

The Penguin said, “Still fantastic? Light?”

“Light, yes, light!” The Riddler danced giddily around the room, swinging on the bed frame. “The sun and stars may be high in the sky now where we cannot see them, but their golden rays flood everywhere and we know, we know! We know that the light trips fantastic and dances with time every day! Every moment, even if there is an eclipse, or cloud cover to smother it. Light marks time, and it is constant, like my love for you.” Riddler gently held The Penguin’s shoulders and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Penguin blinked, half impressed and half suspicious. His eyes narrowed. “You missed me, I was only gone two hours, you gabbling goose.”

“Actually two hours and thirty one minutes,” Edward corrected. He was right; he was always right.

“You are right, you’re always right!” Oswald pinched Ed’s nose, shaking it a little.

“Ow!” Ed yelped. Os let go. Edward rubbed his nose. “Hahaha! Geez, what a grip.”

Oswald tutted and went to pick up the hat and return it to its stand in his own closet. “I assume you fed the pigeons?”

Ed was back to looking at his wardrobe. “Yes, I did.”

“And the flamingos?”

“Mmmm-hm!” Edward confirmed, snatching a paisley tie.

“Ohh I love my birds,” Oswald said, daydreaming about the pigeon coop and holding the little gray birds. “I’m going to go up there and say hello to them right now.” He excitedly hobbled away, forgetting about the éclairs.

Edward stuck his head into the hall, fixing his tie without looking. “What about lunch, darling!”

Oswald was already in the elevator. “Tell them to bring it up to the roof!” Ding! The door closed.

Edward returned to his closet to put on a coat, and then looked himself over in the mirror. “Stunning as usual, Riddler…” he said to himself.

He went downstairs and repeated Oswald’s request to the head maid. Before heading up to the roof, Edward gathered some lemonade, glasses, plates, and napkins on a tray. He stopped by the bedroom to take the éclairs with him. When Edward arrived at the roof terrace, Oswald was standing in the pigeon coop and talking to the birds.

The Penguin craned his neck to meet his husband’s eyes. “Edward! Hello, the pigeons are doing very well thanks to you. My pretty pets love their papas, don't you!!” Oswald petted the pigeon he was holding with one finger and then set it down. He emerged from the pigeon house and went to meet Edward.

Edward set the tray and box down on the circular metal frame table. He put his hands on his hips. “Ozzie… you aren't seriously going to eat without washing your hands when you've touched the pigeons?”

Oswald clapped his forehead. “Oh my, silly me!” He went down to the nearest bathroom and came back very quickly. “You know how I am with my little birds...”

“Of course. Those pigeons are very charming and bright.” Edward laid out the éclairs and poured lemonade for the two of them. “And by the way, I prefer éclairs more than cannolis, but both are delicious in their own way.”

Oswald shook his head in disappointment of himself. “I forgot the éclairs, you've got me three times!” Muttering little regrets, Oswald eased himself into his chair and took a bite out of one of the pastries. He looked at Edward, who was sitting back in his chair, holding his glass in his lap with both hands. Oswald smiled. “I'm so happy I have you, Eddie. 25 wonderful years and counting.”

“And even before that. It's been 30 years since we first met.” Edward smiled fondly and reached for Oswald’s hand across the table. Oswald clasped hands with Edward. They enjoyed the view for a while, of the garden and surrounding estate, and Gotham City beyond it, while sipping lemonade. Surprisingly, Eddie only finished half of an éclair. He didn't want to spoil his appetite for lunch. It was not long before lunch arrived: a grilled chicken sandwich and salad for Edward, and salmon and lobster for Oswald.

“What’re your plans for the afternoon?” Oswald asked.

Edward swallowed his food and focused his eyes upwards to choose his words. “I have to write an employee review for my division of the company, and compile designs for my new product for the team to work on.”

“The game where you reveal what kind of monster you fight at the end based off clues?”

“Yes, that's the one. I'm excited to see what the rest of the concept artists came up with based off my descriptions!” Ed’s joyful disposition suddenly faded a little. He noticed a displaced lock of hair along his cheek, and tucked it back behind his ear. “I am afraid I will have to be holed up indoors most of the afternoon. It was nice to see the birds before returning to the grind, though.”

“Well we’re going to sabotage and defame the competing toy company tonight, isn't that right?” Oswald wiped his hands on a napkin.

“Yes, we will be able to do that still. Do not worry, Ozzie dear,” Edward said airily.

“Good. I always look forward to our escapades of mayhem, hahah-hak! Wak wak wak…”

The two of them chuckled together mischievously at the thought of their plot for the night. It was genius, it was going to be elegant and spectacular!

Whenever there were birds and machines and riddles involved in a crime, everyone in Gotham knew that the Nygma-Cobblepots were at it again. Usually they built traps and timed death contraptions for Batman to set off. The Riddler enjoyed including riddles that lengthened the activation time, despite The Penguin’s desire to get rid of Batman for good. He agreed to let The Riddler spare the Batman, because The Penguin had to admit to having a soft spot for the Bat as well.

For the sabotage scheme of this particular Tuesday night, they were going to steal information (both physical and digital copies) and replace it with malware that would challenge the company with nonsensical puzzles and games and quizzes.

Once Edward and Oswald had finished their lunch, they called for someone to carry the dishes down. They went down to their offices together, arm in arm. Edward removed his coat and loosened his tie and went to type at his desk.

Oswald went to his own office to get his toolbox and fourth umbrella. This was the umbrella with different liquids and projectiles loaded into it. Of course, each umbrella had a sword in the handle, a retractable blade in the top, and a pistol mechanism installed into them. He had multiple umbrellas to serve different situations. His favorite was the first one because it had the most gadgets, including a rapid fire gun, a grappling hook, and poison. It was also very heavy on one end and served as the best club out of all the other umbrellas.

The Penguin opened up the umbrella and started checking the stability of the containers and pressure system, but he started feeling a little emptiness. Although Riddler was in the next room and they just ate together, he missed him a great deal. He placed the open skeleton and innards of the umbrella on top of his toolbox and took it with him on a little visit to Edward’s office. “Eddie, do you want to work with me downstairs instead?”

Edward, raised from his stupor of writing and sketching, stretched his whole body like a star shape in his swivel chair. “I would-” Ed paused and yawned, and Os gripped the toolbox handle in suspense. “-rather stay in my office… It's a little slice of paradise. My little riddle cave, sort of.”

Oswald tightened his hold on his toolbox even more. “Are you really sure? It's awfully cluttered in here.”

Edward put his hands behind his head. “Yes I am sure.” He just then recognized Oswald’s tense posture. He smiled slyly. “Ohhh, you were getting lonely weren't you!”

Oswald gritted his teeth momentarily. “No shame in it,” he huffed. “I love you and that's not something we should be poking fun at each other about. I'm sorry that I did earlier.”

“I love you too, Ozzie! I love you I love you! I'm never afraid to say it. And I love spending every moment with you.” He held his arms out for Oswald to come in and hug him. Oswald laid down the toolbox and umbrella and came toward Ed. They embraced, and Oswald pecked Edward’s neck a little bit. Edward stroked Ozzie’s hair.

Edward pulled back and suggested, “We should have a little sofa moved in here, right up against that wall, for you.”

“Another excellent idea, as always.” They soon had a comfortable green and brown loveseat moved in from a different room.

The Riddler continued his work, hunched over his computer and papers. The Penguin curled up on one side of the couch and sharpened the umbrella’s tip blade. The humming of the ceiling fan and busy tinkering noises behind Edward calmed him, and helped him to finish organizing the character designs and traits. He piled them all in a folder to take with him to present at work.

Finished with his work, Edward glanced up at his analog clock on the wall. 4:48 pm. He turned in his chair to look at Oswald. Os was focused on installing a dog whistle into the umbrella.

“Oswald…” Edward said in a low voice to get his attention. Oswald looked up, his face a little haggard.

Edward gasped in concern, a little hushed “Oh...!” Then he smirked a little as he moved to cuddle with Oswald on the couch.

Oswald said, “Already done working?”

Edward smiled and said, “You're not?”

Oswald scoffed, and this turned into a soft laugh, because Ed was trying to get behind him to spoon him. Os scooted to make room, and Ed settled himself behind him. Edward wrapped his arms around Oswald’s large waist and buried his face in Ozzie’s hair. Ed took a deep breath, to take in the smell of cologne and, faintly, fish.

Edward holding him made Oswald feel refreshed, and he finished the umbrella upgrade within the next ten minutes. Oswald tossed the umbrella to the side and kicked the toolbox to slide out of the vicinity of the couch. He turned over to face Edward and planted kisses on his face and lips and neck. Ed returned them, and he rubbed Oswald’s arms, even trying to reach under his sleeves. Oswald removed his shirt, and Edward’s followed. So much for putting on something nice.

The two of them ended up in their underwear, with Edward sitting up and Oswald lying on his back, head in Ed’s lap. It was around 6 o’clock. Oswald was still very tired.

Oswald croaked, “Iceberg just opened… let’s go down there and have a drink before our little caper.”

“Not after? Don't you want your wits about you?” Edward cautioned.

“Pah. It's just a light drink, my darling Ed.” The Penguin reached up to caress his husband’s face.

“Okay, but I’m not touching a drop,” The Riddler said. He leaned down slightly to study Penguin’s face, scrutinizing every blemish and curve and wrinkle. It was definitely more droopy than usual. “Oh heavens, do you need it..”

The Penguin said, “Ugh. Come here,” with a lazy beckoning motion of his other hand.

The Riddler closed the gap between his lips and the Penguin’s. It was a long kiss. It made Riddler’s neck ache, and he sat up again. He stretched his arms.“Time to get dressed…”

Penguin groaned wearily. He shifted slowly off the couch and moved toward his clothes on the floor. Without Oswald on his lap, Edward rose and cleaned up the clothes just as Oswald was able to reach his pants. Oswald uttered, “Drat.”

Edward, suppressing his smile, handed Oswald his clothes and supported him by the arm all the way to the bedroom. They got dressed, this time both in tuxedos for the passing eyes of the lounge’s guests. Edward and Oswald piled into the limousine with their hacking equipment, weapons, and carrier pigeons, in preparation for the events later in the night.

Within half an hour, they arrived at the club and got out of the car. Oswald took his cage of pigeons out to put in a private room. He stuck his head back in the room to tell the pigeons, “Now be good while Papa is gone, alright?” He made little kissy noises until Edward had to drag him away.

They sat at a table where they could see the stage. Oswald’s favorite singer and old friend, Jeanette Da Silva, was performing that night. She was nearing retirement, but still enjoyed singing at the Iceberg Lounge whenever she was in town.

The duo had refreshments set before them. The stage was currently occupied by a young man who was finishing up some Sinatra songs. A few people visited their table for some small talk, knowingly not sitting because they knew they were intruding the owners of the lounge just by saying hello. However, to Edward’s and Oswald’s surprise, Harvey Dent appeared, keeping to the shadows made by the walls, his dead eye gleaming in the low light.

“Eh? It’s old Libby,” Edward said. He waved his arm at Harvey. “Come over here, man, we’re right here!”

Harvey made eye contact with Eddie, but did not approach them. He flipped his coin and seated himself at the bar, but still faced the stage.

Edward shrugged and turned to Oswald again. “Alright, that’s fine too. I hope he enjoys the show.”

Oswald only grunted in acknowledgement, studying the shimmering blue curtains in front of them as they waited for Jeanette.

When Jeanette finally appeared on stage, she sang I Got It Bad And That Ain’t Good. The Riddler and Penguin held hands and leaned on each other. When she started singing I Only Have Eyes For You, they got up and slow danced, along with a few other couples. In between that and Adieu Mon Cœur, Oswald departed abruptly to take a sip of his bourbon, and this made Edward laugh. Oswald made a silly smile back at him, proud of whatever charm he had that could please Edward. They joined together once more and danced until Jeanette finished off with her last song, an original one called Where I Belong.

After the curtains closed, Jeanette came out to meet Oswald and Edward at their table. “Oswald, dear, it’s been a while!”

They hugged warmly and threw in cheek kisses. Edward remained sitting but Jeanette went to hug him too, which he accepted kindly. Oswald returned to his seat and said, “Always a pleasure to have you here, Jeanette. I am so glad for your return, although brief.”

She sat down in her beautiful bright beads and satin. “Yes, only until tomorrow, I’m afraid. But I do love the new lights in here, it’s very modern… I know how old fashioned you are.”

Oswald hid his laugh with his hand. “Yes that’s right, but I still have to keep up with the times.”

They talked about Jeanette’s little tour along the east coast, and both Oswald’s and Edward’s businesses, and the new people they met in their travels. Finally, Jeanette said, “Anything else special happening tonight? I feel like you do something exciting every day.” She had her hands propping up her chin.

Edward and Oswald looked at each other uncertainly for a moment. Edward said quickly, “Tonight is just to unwind. In fact we should be heading home early. It’s been a long day for Oswald here, you know.” He patted Ozzie’s back and put on a forced smile.

Jeanette frowned. “Oh. Well, why don’t I visit you before I leave?”

“Ah, but Ms. Da Silva, you would want your rest as well, especially before your trip?”

Jeanette said, “I suppose…”

Edward got up, holding Oswald and bringing him up with him. “It has been a wonderful evening, but we really should go. I mean, look at Ozzie.” He gestured to Oswald’s pink face.

Oswald pursed his lips and swatted Edward’s hand away. “Now, see here, I don-”

“You don’t have to be here anymore in your condition,” Edward said firmly but patiently.

Oswald chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Very well.” He gently shook Jeanette’s hands with both of his. “Edward is right, I really must go, it has been a busy day for me…”

Jeanette, still a little confused, nodded politely. “I understand, have a nice night, gentlemen.” They left Jeanette and waved goodbye as Edward led Oswald away to the front door of the club.

Once they were outside, Oswald turned sharply to Edward. “Do you really think I look out of it? I’m not.”

Edward teetered his shoulders. “A little bit.”

The Penguin wagged his finger at The Riddler, jutting his jaw and holding himself back from making a scene. He then pocketed his hands and gathered his surroundings to make sure no one was looking at them. No one outside was… but Harvey Dent was coming outside and in their direction.

“Harvey!” Riddler exclaimed happily. “How did you enjoy Ms. Da Silva’s singing?”

“Fine, she was fantastic,” Harvey grumbled. “That’s beside the point. I came because I just wanted to make sure you two didn’t get into too much trouble tonight.”

The Penguin’s brow furrowed. “What do you know?”

Harvey let his coin weave through his fingers. “Last I heard, which was at 5:30, the Batman was patrolling between 2nd and 5th. I don’t know where you dopes are headed, but I don’t want another of the family to get caught.”

“Well,” The Riddler said, surprised in Harvey’s kindness, “Thank you for telling us, we’ll be sure to go around…” He reached down for The Penguin’s hand because Harvey was a little awkward and intimidating to be around in this moment.

The Penguin took Riddler’s hand and said, “Let’s go then. Thank you, Harvey.”

They turned and departed as Two Face watched them. They had not even advanced ten feet when The Penguin stopped, forcing The Riddler to stop, and he yelped, “MY BABIES.”

Edward gasped. “Oh my God, the babies.”

Harvey leaned forward to watch them as they rushed around the corner to enter a side door of the lounge, which led to a hallway and the private room. Oswald snatched the cage of pigeons and hurried back to the car, Edward following behind with less stamina than his husband. They clambered into the limo and Oswald squawked, “Floor it!”

The driver jumped at his boss’ inappropriate outdoor voice. “Sir! What danger is there?”

Edward touched his hand to the driver’s shoulder. “There’s no danger, Fred, just go ahead and go to the business district, but dodge 2nd and 5th.”

Oswald was cradling the cage of fluttering pigeons in his arms and fuming inside about the multiple things that ticked him off that night. “I’m okay, I’m okay!” he kept repeating out loud.

“Baby, everything’s going all according to plan, we’re gonna be okay.” Edward wrapped himself around Oswald tightly. “You’ve got the birds, and you’re here with me.”

Oswald began to relax. “I am okay…” He snuggled down in Edward’s arms. The pigeons settled down.

They arrived at the competing game and toy company, and stopped in the shadows of the buildings. The Penguin and the Riddler surreptitiously unloaded their things. The Riddler hefted his backpack and pocketed his two pistols. He took the cage of pigeons in one hand. The Penguin hung his umbrella on a strap he had brought to sling over his shoulder, and held onto two large, empty suitcases. The Riddler handed his partner a handheld, green and purple device. They kissed and went their separate ways.

The Riddler went to the main computer room where all of the information and plans were stored. He tapped into it and fed access codes to Penguin’s device. The Penguin went to the art studio, where he gathered as much artwork as he could in the suitcases. This was all of the nice artwork, mainly original paintings, and the sucky scrapped projects were trampled underfoot once he left.

They met again in the hallway. Oswald helped Edward finish securing the divided data drives onto the carrier pigeons. The reason for dividing the information among the birds was so that if they got caught, the pigeons would carry it to their house anyway. If the birds ever got shot down ( _God forbid_ , Oswald had said), the cubes would be destroyed, which is the next best thing to stealing.

Once they had finished fitting the pigeons with their cargo, Edward said, “Such smart little fellows.” He petted the pigeons. “You are better at this than I am, they shied away from me.”

Oswald shut the cage. “True, but I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

Edward smiled and carried the cage outside. The moon was glaring gibbous above them, showering them in soft moonlight. “Ready?” Edward said.

The Penguin chuckled. “Ask the birds.”

“Are you ready?” The Riddler asked the pigeons. One of the pigeons cooed in response. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He opened the cage door once more and the birds flew up into the night.

They walked together to their car, a different one this time, which had come precisely at 10:30 pm. They got in, nerves buzzing from success, almost dazed.

The heist was not over. The Riddler was the one to stay awake for the both of them. He kept looking all around them as they rode in the car. Nothing out of the ordinary. He finally allowed himself to settle comfortably in the backseat with The Penguin, who had his head back and eyes closed. He decided to stroke the Penguin’s hair. It was quiet except for the rumbling of the car on the road.

Suddenly, there was a _SLAM_ on top of the car. The new driver yelled, but kept driving.

Oswald jolted awake. “WAK!!! Who goes there?!”

Edward shoved the sunroof door open. The Batman almost jabbed his hand through the glass when Edward quickly shut it again. _Thunk_ , went Batman’s hand on the roof. “It’s him!” Edward said, frightened and elated at the same time.

“No! No no no!” Oswald screeched. “Not tonight!” He opened the sunroof fully and pushed himself up through it. “Get out of here, you maniac!” He fired his umbrella in the direction of the flitting figure on the roof of his car.

“Stop the car!” Batman yelled, now hanging off the top of the car to escape the bullets.

The Penguin switched the umbrella to the tear gas setting.

“GAAAAH!!!” Batman screamed, almost letting go. However, he had dug into the car with the blades on one arm at the last moment.

Riddler stuck his head out the window again. He started shooting Batman from the side. The Riddler yelled up at him, “What should be hit, but not damaged? It is divided up, but all parts are to be shared by all!!!”

Batman hesitated and looked at the Riddler for any clues in his face. It was too dark and the streetlights were passing too rapidly.

“I know this one, he told me last week!” The Penguin dug his umbrella under Batman’s arm and wedged it out of place.

The Penguin and Riddler yelled in unison, “HIT THE ROAD, BATMAN!” The Batman fell off the car and ate asphalt. The two rogues cackled and withdrew into the car. They pulled each other close.

Edward said, “That’ll teach him, huh, Oswald? Hahahahahaha!!!”

“Good thing this car’s so damn cheap,” Oswald said, putting on the safety for the umbrella gun.

They later arrived at the mansion and hurried inside with their stolen art, giggling as if they were still being chased. Edward made stirring motions with his free hand for Oswald to enter before him. “Come on, come on! Hee hee hee hee!!!”

Once the door was shut, Oswald chirped, “We did it! It worked, we did it!” He flitted his head, remembering something. “Let’s check the coop.”

They stored the suitcases in a closet and dumped their weapons and things on the floor as they ran up to the roof. Every pigeon made it to the house…

Except for one. Oswald searched the pigeon house, but still counted only 25. “Where is… Oliver…”

Edward pulled out a small computer (not quite a phone, but a clunky rectangular thing that flipped open and was plated with dull silver plastic). He found the lost pigeon on the map. “Digging for scraps at IHOP, Oliver?”

“He was always a straggler,” Oswald said.

“Shall we fetch him?” Edward asked.

Oswald swatted the air dismissively. “No, he’ll come. I’m not worried about Batman either. I’m too tired for that.”

Edward shut the computer and put his arm around Oswald. “Then that’s that.”

They went downstairs and got ready for bed. Oswald had a blue pajama coat and pants, while Edward slept in a tank top and plaid pants. Oswald got in the bed first and laid there with his eyes closed and hands folded.

Edward entered the room and saw that Oswald was a little tense still. “How are you, Ozzie?”

“Half tired, half excited,” Oswald replied. “Today was good, though.”

Edward got under the sheets and hugged Oswald. “Very good.”

Oswald slowly moved to spoon Edward. Edward smiled and accepted Oswald’s warm embrace around him. Oswald said, “This moment is like the bow on a present.”

Edward sighed and smiled. After a few moments of breathing and silence, he said, “I’ve got work tomorrow, so not a free day anymore. Today was kind of a splurge, of some sort.”

“A planned one,” Oswald mumbled, gradually falling asleep.

“Still…” Edward said quietly. He touched one of Oswald’s hands, which did not give any response. “Good night, my darling snow angel.”


End file.
